Spouse

Hello Amit,

Trust you are doing fine, Coming to the answers,

If a person's efforts, commitment and devotion to the concept of Brahmacharya are genuine and persistent with constant God-meditation and prayer asking for removal of all obstacles in this path, God invariably blesses such a person with a husband/wife who will be supportive and encouraging to Brahmacharya.

It is the intensity and longing one has for Brahmacharya that matters. One's attitude should be
"There is nothing more important and more attractive to me in this existence than the realization of God through the divine act of Brahmacharya. I do not want association with anything or anyone who comes in the way of this mode of life". One who has such commitment, love and devotion to Brahmacharya will without doubt eventually succeed in becoming an Urdhvaretha. Getting an understanding husband/wife is a very trivial and small happening that will be taken care of within the twinkling of God's eyes.

Progress in the path of Brahmacharya is never 'instantaneous'. Numerous obstacles, temptations, impediments and problems will be laid in the path of the Brahmachari by God himself to 'test' how faithful and committed the person is. These are like the exams a student has to pass to be awarded with a degree. Will a student be given a graduation certificate just because he claims he has gained knowledge and mastered the subject? No. He has to prove his knowledge by faring well in the various exams year after year, after which he is finally awarded with a degree by the university for his accomplishments. The success, enormous power, bliss and God-realization that come further to Brahmacharya are very similar. They will come and undoubtedly reside in the man who has honestly, sincerely and lovingly committed himself to God through Brahmacharya by years of unbroken celibacy come what may and not in a few days or months. But they will come; they will surely come. Our's is to strive and plod honestly and not worry about 'when' and 'how'. These are things which will be decided and forwarded by God in his own accord.

There is a saying- "The right approach for a man is to give ninety percent of his energies towards love and prayer to God and the remaining ten percent as love for his wife. Then the wife will forever adore and be after the man trying to win the remaining ninety percent"!

The male and female energies are created by God for the continuation of 'Samsaara' or manifestation of the outer world that we see comprised of people, their thoughts, actions and their creations. By default, the female energy by itself lacks definition. In other words it lacks form, structure and boundary. It is indefinite, deep, mysterious and unbound like the dark night. The male energy on the other hand signifies definition. In other words it depicts form, structure and a well defined boundary. It is definite, shallow, clear and bounded in sense of tangible perception. These two energies are the two forms of the one single God through which he operates. These two energies represent the dualities of nature. Till one reaches a state of union with God beyond the domain of the dualities, each energy complements the other. Till then, each energy is in a state of imbalance without the other and each needs the other to complete itself. For this reason, the concept of marriage and a family is Holy, sensible and purposeful.

The female energy characteristics of lack of definition and unbound depth make a woman feel incomplete and empty by herself. She is forever in search of that something which will give her a sense of definition, direction and completion. In the same way, there is a sense of incompleteness in a man until he finds a 'worthy' woman who can be the object and means of expression of his qualities of strength, bravery, firmness, self-confidence and a sense of purpose and direction. Whom he can protect, provide and take care. From whom he can enrich his life with the feminine qualities of kindness, consideration, understanding, affection and true love. These two equations are basic and form the substratum of the need for matrimony and family. They are the pillars on which a healthy and happy family unit is formed. No matter how modernized, sophisticated and advanced the world gets, these basics can never change. This is the law of creation which is permanent and eternal.

The qualities which the woman fundamentally lacks are present in abundance in the 'real man'. So when a woman comes across such a man who stands for and represents 'definition' (which she lacks) through his qualities of bravery, strength, firmness, sureness, confidence and a sense of direction, which form the 'male substratum', she finds an opportunity to end her sense of 'incompletion', 'indefinableness' and 'emptiness' by associating with the 'very opposite' of these lacunae within her that he represents. Once a woman finds such a man, she revels at the sense of completion and definition that she suddenly experiences and her life gets a 'direction' and sense of purpose at the innate level. A woman who has found such a man who has thus 'completed' her incomplete nature will willingly and lovingly follow, assist, understand and stand by the man who has driven away her deficits and has provided her with what she needed the most 'A sense of security, direction and purpose'.

When a man is governed by these qualities and is hence firm, sure, brave and confident of what he wants in life with the zeal and tenacity to pursue it, his woman feels an admiration for these qualities that he possesses and will most naturally be supportive and understanding in whatever path he chooses and offer him her valuable qualities of love, affection, kindness, concern and steadfast loyalty.

The problems of lack of love, non-admiration, unkindness and an insupportable nature from a woman towards her man most often arise due to lack of the 'manly' qualities in the man and when man deviates from the 'true' nature which he should be anchored to. Most often, men and not women are to be blamed for the resulting scenario. What wrong does the man do? Instead of being steadfast in his nature and true to the 'male qualities' mentioned earlier with a sure sense of direction, man runs after the woman begging for her 'approval', idolizing her as a precious 'object' of pleasure and seeking to 'please' her with money, gifts and material possessions as a substitute to the priceless 'real man' qualities mentioned. This is like making a statement -" Since I lack the priceless qualities of bravery, sureness, self-confidence and a sense of direction, I am substituting them with these expensive gifts, dinners, constant words in praise of your beauty and a promise that I shall ever be your slave and do whatever you want me to do in return for your company, lots of sex and your undivided attention and loyalty to me'...

What will be the reaction? The woman who came to the man seeking him as her partner with a hope that he will be the embodiment of priceless 'true male qualities' finds that he is worse than she herself in this domain and lacks the grit, will, determination and confidence a man must have in himself and is instead a timid, effeminate and direction-less weakling who is prepared to give up his self esteem and self respect for the pleasures of her body, company and attention. This realization in the woman make her look down at the man and results in an attitude of scorn, disgust and loathing towards the man. Once a woman reaches this state as regards her partner if still not married, she will avoid and eventually leave him. If it is with her husband after marriage, she will constantly curse her fate for having given her such a 'spineless' man and shows this discontentment outwardly through bad mouthing, condemning and rebuking the man at every possible excuse. She will fail to be supportive in his endeavors and does not find him worthy enough of her affection and attention.

There are women 'Gold diggers' that may stay by such a man if he were rich and powerful for the sake of financial security or gains; but such a man can never win the love, respect, admiration and unconditional devotion of a woman that comes further to manly qualities of substance.

If a man wants his wife to be loving, considerate, affectionate and supportive to his aims and objectives, he first needs to develop and be wedded to qualities that befit his maleness. He first needs to be self-reliant with himself and not a slave of sex and passion. He needs to be the embodiment of at least a few if not all the aforesaid qualities mentioned to make the woman look up to him with respect, admiration and awe. This will naturally induce the woman to respond to the man with loyalty, attention and devotion. She will then naturally strive to enrich his life with her feminine qualities of kindness, affection, unconditional love/support and will try try her best to please him. The man also can then correspondingly respond with consideration, understanding and kindness from his own side towards her and this results in a marriage which is stable, happy and purposeful to both the parties concerned. Whether the wife is a working woman  or not becomes a trivial issue of not much concern. But a man who craves after the female physical form and has a mind constantly fixed in lusting after female sexuality can never achieve this. His wife will always feel the 'pressure' to look 'sexual' as she is in a constant state of competition with other women trying to win his attention. In the company of a man who is virtuous, God-loving, firm and sure about his ideals and not devoted or besotted to sex as a form of pleasure, the approach to sexuality that a woman has eventually alters. She adjusts her perspective accordingly and falls in line with the man's way of thinking and approach. Nature has made woman very adaptable and has given her the strength to change herself to a large degree. What is required is a man who is worthy in the lady's eyes and who can inspire and dynamize a woman to change accordingly.

As regards how a Brahmachari can find such a such a woman, he can find such a woman through his rock steady conviction and commitment to God through Brahmacharya itself. When the right time comes, he will come across a 'soul' that is destined to be his wife and support him in his quest. He can then proceed with fathering a child or two and the couple can work jointly towards leading a life of bliss filled Brahmacharya in the constant thought of God. One and only one thing is required of the celibate -"That he be wholly and honestly devoted to God through Brahmacharya come what may", following which all the right things and right people will happen when the time is ripe!

God bless and have a nice day :-)
Dhananjay