Please help!
Question
Sir,
I have been struggling to give up bad habits for the last 8-9 years. First I thought it was wrong, then I wanted to have a good memory,now I just want to give it up. I'm surrounded with many people who do not believe in Brahmacharya. I do not have any sexual experience with anyone, sometimes lustful thoughts try to come up in mind. I go for a few days and break it again. I've been in depression, even psychiatrist told me that it was okay to masturbate, but I cannot agree. Sometimes I think I should take a vow to kill myself if I fall again, but I cannot take such a vow because of my parents. I understand Lord is real Guruji, but I cannot reach out to him because I am not able to give up ego, no matter what. Sometimes I punish myself by not doing my academic and extracurricular activities which I enjoy doing and which it is my duty to do everyday. Even then ego creeps in, telling me that I have made a good method. Due to this ego I'm not able to make up my mind to surrender totally to Lord Almighty. I once told my mother crying that I masturbated, but she said while those who can maintain deserve our salutations, everyone cannot do it. I've made my mind to quit and broken the promise so many times that I'm scared. I'm also because of this not able to make up my mind to follow the practices in totem as delineated by you. I am unable to look at all females as Mother. (I cannot bring myself to write why.) I don't want to depend on myself anymore because I know it will only increase the 'Aham'. I think of Bhagavan Sri Ramakrishna Dev ji's stories of spotless purity. I think of Swamiji's words that even though there were so many women endowed with beauty in USA, presence of the Master dissolved all attractions...
I am not sure what exactly to ask from you... But please help
Answer
It is normal for all aspirants to go through these contradictions during the initial years of practice. The strong past Samskara-s (impressions) and Vasana-s (tendencies) come in the way of residence in the Atman (self).
In the scriptures, this state is compared to the green layer of algae that cover a body of pure water. One who wishes to drink the clear water underneath moves it aside with the pot, only to see it return and cover the water once again under the movement of breeze. Just as one has to frequently push aside the green algal layer to access the clear water, the Sadhaka (aspirant) has to displace these past Vasana-s through constant Sadhana involving meditation on the truth. Else, the non-self raises up and takes control.
An exceptional Sadhaka alone perseveres relentlessly, to reach the state of the self and reside there. When one's efforts are persistent, the grace of the Lord shines and gradually takes out the Vasana-s supporting 'Avidya' (ignorance). Then, the state of silence becomes more frequent.
Persevere as required... things will set right in the course of time.
ॐ तत् सत्
(That Supreme being is the absolute truth)