Down but not out !!
Question
Hi Sir - I have a few queries as well as a personal request to make.
Today, after 18 months of Brahmacharya, I slipped. I masturbated.
While i have indulged in abstinence in thoughts, words and deeds during this period but i never practiced pranayams / asanas / bandhas. Also, i have never woken-up at the time that you have always suggested. I think that i was not firm in my conviction and as a result i slipped. During this 18 months period, my thought process underwent the huge change and i would like your help in understanding that :
(1) I have stopped believing in fasts, in deities, in astrology, in Gem stones, in various religious rituals & traditions. I don't know if this is the natural progression of thoughts because of Brahmacharya or was I turning into more "rationalist" kind of guy or was it the ugly ego
(2) Also, many a times i think, sin / good deeds / evil deeds are man-made phenomenon and this has nothing to do with "enlightenment" or "kaivalya". I think, it is more about taming of mind, letting off of desires,greed & lust. But i don't understand why do every religion of the world make it more complex, and we the people end up in religious dogmas. Also, most of the time, when you don't follow it, it gives the sense of guilt as well as a feeling that "my ego is getting higher and I have now stopped following the tradition / religion as well. I would be doomed". Is this the normal churning process that all of us needs to be go through.
(3)I have almost severed the contact with my friends, have stopped watching movies, TV, and for a better period of time I had also stopped reading papers. Recently I moderated my-self with reading news paper, watching TV (only new & sports), and surfing on net. But,today surfing on net, trapped me and i slipped. Sir, do you think that I over did it, and then got bored, and ultimately failed.
(4) Also, Sir, more i read about enlightened masters, their work, spirituality and other related stuff, the more i get confused. Did i over-stretched myself here as well
(5) Could you please also tell me how do I get away with my fear of lizard / mouse. This fear doesn't allow me to meditate / pray. Every time, I try my best to concentrate, this fear gets developed in my sub-conscious mind. Doing away with fear and timidity is the biggest concern for me.
(6) Sir, also please pardon me for being too naive, but sometimes I feel, the concept of "Kaivalya gyan" is "myth". And I feel, this is probably the reason that I am not VERY firm in my resolve, and precisely this small element of doubt is keeping me away from giving 100 %.
Apologies for asking too many questions but this time I would like to make more valiant efforts.
Could you please also "bless" me and give me some courage / motivation to come back even more strongly.
Thanks.
Regards,
Kalpesh
Answer
Indulge in the complete set of Yogic practices with the required lifestyle as described in past answers. This will help overcome the past Vasana-s and Samskara-s that block residence in Brahmacharya.
1. The Atman (self) alone is real, being not different from the Lord. Everything else is the non-self and hence unreal, as is the reflection of an object seen in a mirror. Hence one should not dwell in anything but the self. Except for belief in the self which is no different from the Lord, nothing else is necessary.
2. Religion is a rung in the ladder to evolution. As one climbs higher, things with form, name and attributes gradually disappear and the one and only self which has no name, form, gender, caste, religion or definition alone remains, for it alone is the truth.
By whom is the guilt felt? Find it out and remove that entity, following which both the guilt and the activity which led to it disappear.
3. Till all the past Samskara-s and Vasana-s that make one deviate from the Atman (self) are not fully deactivated, the chance for downfall ever exists. Hence one should indulge in one pointed Sadhana (practice) till the goal is attained.
4. Reading material on Enlightened masters does not not cause any impediment. The culprit is the Ego (that assumes various forms) which is to be killed.
5. Answer No.1 when correctly implemented will gradually help overcome the problem. It is lack of such Sadhana which has still kept the fear alive.
6. Do not worry about what 'Kaivalya' is or is not. One should take one step at a time and experience things in person. This is what happens when one does not indulge in practice but goes on imagining what a particular state is without direct experience just through bookish knowledge. When the time comes, you will know what that state is through first hand experience. For now, let go of these fancy thoughts and indulge in Sadhana.
You are walking on a railway track and you suddenly realize your life is in danger when you see an oncoming train approaching you at great speed, blasting its horns. What will you do? You will run out of the path of the moving train with enormous speed and force.
You should apply efforts to know the self with that same intensity to come out of the mire of 'Agnyana' (ignorance). Such should be the burning desire for liberation with no desire being higher. Then one eventually becomes the pure self by the grace of the Lord and goes beyond all desire.
ॐ तत् सत्
(That Supreme being is the absolute truth)